I would like to finally redirect you to my multiply since this is were I keep updated blogs on my life, my mischiefs, my troubles - basically, all this and that: http://www.forevertrue.multiply.com/ add me up!
Disclaimer: This is a work of bursting emotions. I deeply apologize to whoever would find this insulting, harsh or inappropriate. Room mate, if ever you read this, sorry. Now you know I guess. I just do hope I find the guts to tell you this before you actually read it on line. As of now, I’m sorry.
Mumble:
I never thought the day would come that I would say this, “I miss dorm life” or should say, Kalai life instead? *sigh* As a dormer, I longed for the freedom that living in a boarding house would give me: no curfew, not much rules, and less people to deal with. Boy! Was I ever wrong. I realize now, when I’m living in a boarding house, how advantageous dorm life was to my growth and adjustment as a UP student. Firstly, it gave me a sense of belonging. Wherever I went, I atleast was reassured that here’s a familiar face with me. I’d enter a room and sit by that person and say, “taga-kalai ka dba? Anong floor ka? BA ako.” And then I’d have an instant friend. Someone I’d room hop to when I’m in doubt, someone who’d walk with me to class or back to the dormitory, someone to eat my meals with, and so on. Aside from a network of friends, I had an instant support group. When I was sad, my closest confidante could be a few doors away. When I was pissed of with my room mate, I could room hop next door and plead to sleep in with them for the night or until we (my room mate and I) have calmed down and got back to good terms. Truly, in the dorm, I WAS NOT ALONE. Come Math 17 finals, I was cramming, I was awake till 3 am but I was alive, uplifted, and encouraged to go on, because the practically the whole Kalai was awake cramming like I was.
Grumble:
So what’s the real deal as of this moment? Well, let’s just say it’s hard to be just you and your room mate in a boarding house. (emphasis on the room mate since it’s just the two of us) She’s okay I guess. But there really are going to be moments that you’d not get along and I miss having another room to run to when all’s hell. I miss room hopping to those studying people when my room mate is asleep so that I won’t be tempted to hop in my bed and snore the night away. See, my room mate is smart. She doesn’t study much. Her philosophy is that you need not study if you listen to the professor. I listen. I swear I do! But when your prof is a terror prof, listening is not going to be enough. You’d have to burn your midnight candle, reading, studying, practicing and making sure everything’s your best because this is crucial more to passing than actually acing the exam. I miss those people I’ve spent my first year with who’d be awake with me till 3 am that we’d take turns having naps so that we won’t burn out easily. I miss those people who’d tell me, “You’ll be proud of yourself for passing Chem 16 under Capati. Just hang on.” when I felt that it was a hopeless case. I miss the sense of family and home away from home – everyone’s your sister and your RA’s more like your big sister or mom.
Mumble:
Hahahaha… I thought that the day I’d say this would be the day I’d be struck by lightning. I actually miss our GI (general inspection), where everything was sparkling and clean and everyone was helping each other out to make sure the whole corridor is spic and span. I learned lots of things I never would have learned had I not been in a dorm: floor waxing, cleaning the electric fan, color coded arrangement of my clothes in the closet and so on.
Grumble:
I miss that all because it gave us all a chance to learn – to give a go at it even if we had our own yayas or a maid at home or if we grew up not doing house hold chores. You see, I’m not a neat freak. I’m a messy person. But ever since Kalai, I learned to atleast try to organize my stuff. I’ve learned to clean or attempt to clean my room every other night and have a general cleaning every two weeks when I change my sheets. So what’s my problem now? My room mate, well she’s a bit elitist. She’s well off and she doesn’t really try because she was used to having people do things for her. Here, it is I who sweep the floor, dust the tables, clean up her and my mess (since we share a table), as well as mop the floor because, “hindi ako sanay gawin niyan eh because at home, it’s our two maids who do that” Hell! I never would have learned I can do half the household chores I now know like scrubbing the floors till I can see my reflection on it (literally) had I not tried! She’d laugh and say, “at home, I’m the spoiled little princess” and what comes to mind is what my cousin and her best friend shared with me when they also had a fight with some board mates regarding cleaning their place up, “Kung prinsesa ka sa bahay niyo, prinsesa din ako sa bahay ko. Pero dahil wala tayo sa bahay natin, tulungan naman! Hindi ako nag-aaral para maging katulong mo!” Hehehe.. Astig diba? Especially that part about the princess stuff. I’m coping and I haven’t confronted my room mate yet. I feel such a rat ranting about this now but I’m going to explode if I don’t.
Mumble to Grumble:
Last! It’s hard being a shiftee. Not much friends, they all have their own groups. And another “culture shock” so to speak. Back in Eng’g, people were a bit laid back. Tulungan to pass. Share. But here, hahahahaha… Let’s keep pumping that adrenaline because compete kung compete sa college na to! I used to be grade conscious way back elem and high school but when I entered the College of Engineering, I learned not to push so hard against the wall that would not budge. Kung ito ang hangganan ng kakayahan, eh di e2 lang. Lahat naman na ginagawa mo, bumabagsak ka pa – do your best na lang, pray, and then God will do the rest. Pero ngayon, it’s I have to be with the top. I have to or I’d get laid off my course. I have to reach this grade. It works well for motivation but sometimes, the pressure gets to me.
Oh well, let’s just hope this is but another phase. Please help me pray. I have a chem. and stat exam tomorrow. I leave you with this text message I received recently:
A UP Student’s Prayer
Now I lay down to study,
I pray Lord I don’t go nutty.
If I fail to learn this junk,
I pray I do not flunk.
If I die, don’t bury me at all
Just lay my bones in the study hall
Pile my books upon my chest
And tell my profs I did my best.
So now I lay down to rest
And I pray I pass tomorrow’s test.
If I die before I wake,
That’s one less test I’ll have to take!
hi friendsters! it’s been quite awhile since i checked my friendster account. College has definitely kept me busy! Whoo! So, how is life as a college student, particularly in UP Diliman. For those still enjoying the comforts of
Saudi Arabia , ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS! Here, life is a constant struggle! (di un exagg ha!)
So, the basics…
Ako’y isang mag-aaral ng Unibersidad ng Pilipinas, Diliman. Magtatatlong linggo pa lamang ng pasukan ngunit pakiramdam ko ay tatlong taon na ang lumilipas, at may tatlong taong nadagdag sa aking gulang kung pisikal na kaanyuan ang pag-uusapan! Dito, marami akong natutunan. Una na doon ang WALANG PAKIALAMANAN! Oo, may blockmates ka, blockhandlers and friends pero hindi mo sila maaasahan sa lahat (hindi katulad sa classmates natin sa saudi). Kanya-kanyang sikap dito. Kanya-kanyang gawa! WALANG KOPYAHAN!
2- Dito, hindi uso ang sosyalan. Ang karaniwang suot ng tao rito ay pantalon, t-shirt/blouse at tsinelas o rubber shoes. WALANG NAGMAMAKE-UP DITO! Kung meron man, bihirang-bihira.
3- Hindi yun dahil sa hindi nila afford. Marami na ring may kaya sa UP. Kaya lang, sa LAYO ng NILALAKAD ng isang mag-aaral dito, hindi na porma ang pag tsinelas. NECESSITY na siya kung maituturing. Opo, may dyip ditong IKOT at TOKI ngunit sa tagal na iikutin pa niyan ang hundred hectares or so… MAGLAKAD KA NA LANG!
4- hindi kasi excuse dito ang "malayo po kasi ang building na pinanggalingan ko" promise, maamong-maamo na si ma’am gigi kung ikukumpara sa mga gurong nakilala ko rito.
5- sa mga magagaling, HUWAG NA HUWAG niyong babalewalain o tutulugan ang lecture ni Ma’am Elidia sa math dahil yun yung panangga mo dito! Nung nandyan ako, pakiramdam ko ang dali dali ng algebra at trigo. Kayang-kaya tulugan at magseatwork na lang. Dito, ang kinukuha diyan ng isang linggo, isang araw lang lesson sa amin. Ang kalaban, mga galing Philippine
Science High School na minamani-mani lang ang Math 17.
6- Ang mga may panahon pang magfriendster diyan, naku po! Dito, kulang pa ang vacant time namin sa kain, aral at tulog!
7- At kung sinasabihan tayo diyan dati na read and try to solve eh binabale-wala lang natin kasi for sure ituturo naman kinabukasan, dito, PINAPALABAS SA KLASE AT minamark na ABSENT ang hindi nakapagbasa. Take note: Bundok bundok na babasahin ang binibigay. Sa isang subject, suwerte na ang 3 lang ang reading materials or references.
Sa totoo lang, madaling araw na dito. Pagod na ako. Masakit na ulo ko. Pero 6 chapters to go pa ako sa World Literature tapos 2 reading materials to go pa ako sa social science. Hindi ko pa tapos ang factoring sets ko sa math 17 at maraming papers akong due sa week na ito.
Totoo.. MASAYA dito!!! MARAMING FREE CONCERTS nina bamboo, barbie, sandwich, atbp. karamihan kasi sa kanila, UP graduate… Pero kung long exam mo bukas, aattend ka pa ba?
Masaya ang makatapak sa mundong hindi ka na sinisigawan ng ina mo na kumilos at mag-aral ngunit
gaya ng sabi ng dekano namin at ng land lady, "Ang pribilehiyo ay may kaangkop na responsibilidad at ang responsibilidad ay katapat ng malasakit sa bayan."
Tunay ngang maligaya ang pumasa sa UPCAT ngunit ang kalbaryo ko hanggang makatapos ay nagsisimula pa lamang. Masarap marinig ang mga katagang, "Iskolar ng Bayan", "UP Passer", "Wow! Ang galing mo. Nasa UP ka". Ganoon man, marami ang hindi nakakabatid na may KaDILIMAN ang buhay dito sa UP Diliman.
Marahil ay hindi niyo ako maintindihan. Ganyan din ako dati nang ako’y kwinekwentuhan pa lang. Ngunit ngayon, napagtanto ko na ang pahirap at sakripisyong inilaan sa UPCAT ay wala pa sa kalingkingan ng hirap na raranasin dito sa unibersidad.
Ganoon man, maligaya ako dito. Mahirap man, fulfilling naman. Kakaiba man sa aking nakasanayan, marami naman akong natutunan. Kung
sana .. pinag-ukulan ko pa ng pansin ang mga dating itinuturo sa IPSA,
sana , baka lang… mas madali ang buhay ko dito sa UP Diliman.
Good Morning!!!
… =’( more readings to go…
THE DAY WAS TUESDAY… APRIL 04, 2006!!! well, my day started early ar 4 am.. naligo na’t nagbihis dahil galing pa me sa cavite at kailangan kong ayusin ung mga stuff ko for UP Diliman.. so obviously malayo ang biyahe… atleast hatid ako sa van ng pinsan ko so atleast minus commute problems na rin un…
7:30 aSA guadalupe na us.. nakipagmeet ako sa tita ko na sasama sakin… tpos kumain muna me ng almusal sa jollibee kc nga 5 kmi umalis and we didn’t have time to get breakfast.. argh… by 8:00 am asa UP na kami!!! thank GOD! we made it there… tpos xempre iniwan na me ng pinsan ko kc lalakarin pa nia ung birth certificate ng pamangkin kong kalalabas lng sa sinapupunan ng momi nia… hihihi… tpos… un. lakad na kami ng tita ko.. tanong sa guard.. lakad dito.. lakad doon! grabe! ANG LAWAK NG UP!!! kakatakot maglakad mag1 dun pag gabi.. parang probinsya.. LALAKI NG MGA PUNO!!! PURO DAMUHAN!!! LALAYO NG MGA BUILDINGS!!! oh my God.. my poor aching feet!!! harhar… eniwei.. dumating us sa Office of the Registrar and things got unexpected! grrr… tipong ang ayos ayos ng pagkakatanong mo sa kanila may pagkapabalang ung sagot.. tipong.. " oh anong problema mo? diba mei letter na pinadala sau? oh? anong parte doon ang hndi mo naiintindihan?" super! 10 am pa lang pakiramdam ko 3 pm na… ganun halos sa lahat ng napuntahan ko.. tpos nung nagpamedical me kc kelangan.. pagpasok dun sa isang room ang unang cnabi ng lalaki sakin.. cge hubad na?! LIKE waaahhaaatt???!!! un pala… tatanggal lng ng bra dahil ichechest xray… jeez! tpos nang nakapag open na me ng ATM ko sa PNB UP Diliman, narealize ko na ubos na money ko! as in 39 pesos na lang money ko… shucks super na shock ako.. nagpapanic na ako dahil wala akong kaalam alam na lugar.. di ako marunong magcommute… buti na lang sinalba ako ni sarah!!! thank God for TRUE FRIENDS!!! sabi nia sakay me ng Jeep papuntang Philcoa.. nung bumaba na me ng Philcoa.. sabi nia sakay me ng jeep na papuntang SM Fairview dahil dun nia raw me susunduin.. malapit lng un sa kanila.. shucks.. di ko akalain na 20 pesos fare papunta doon.. super nagulat me.. nakaupo na me sa jeep bumaba pa me.. kc like heller! wala na me pambayad!!! kaduluduluhan.. sabi ni sarah.. sakay na lang raw akong taxi at babayaran nia na lang raw pagdating namin dun… so.. i did exactly that.. ang tagal pa ng antay ko kei sarah.. shucks kakahiya sa mama.. akala cguro tatakasan ko xa.. eh walang panukli ang mama sa 1000 ni sarah.. so bingyan namin xa ng 100 pesos.. lahat ng coins ko at 5 riyals.. hahaha.. san ka pa?! buti na lang..
by then, 2 pm na.. gu2m na gu2m na me.. kumukulo na tiyan ko… buti na lang pinautang muna ako ni sarah tpos un.. finally.. FOOD!!! tpos punta kaming house nia..ganda ng houz nina sarah… eniwei.. by 4 pm, bumalik kmi ng SM Fairview dhil mineet namin ung Caringal Twins (tia and tin) dahil mei planned gimik sana kami… un.. nagstarbucks muna us bago nag-antay ng showing ng movie na.. Just Friends.. 50% ako… hahaha.. kc nga bankrupt ako.. naku po! dapat lng pala tlgang 50 % ako dahil sa pagod ko.. kalahati pa lang ng movie… nakasandal na me kei sarah.. TULOG!!! bwahahahah… un.. tpos dinner kami sa Yellow Cab and thanks to good friends namely, ADNAN AND SARAH!!! Libre ako!!! woohooo! this situation clearly has its advantages… tpos un.. umuwi na ung kambal.. kmi kami na lang naiwan… tpos NAMEET KO C WILSON! u noe (do you?!) ung special someone ni sarah.. hihihi… with all fairness he’s cute! the 5 years wait was worth it huh sarah? eniwei..
tapos un.. finally nung sinasaraduhan na kami ng lahat ng shops.. by 9, umuwi na kami.. hinatid muna namin si sarah sa houz nila tpos si adnan naman sa house din nila.. tpos un.. sa kadulu-duluhan.. medyo nagkaligaw2x kami on the way pauwi.. by the time na nakarating kami sa cavite..12 am na! woah! talk about a LONG LONG LONG DAY!!! oh dba? what an experience!!!!
WOOO HOOO!!! MY LIFE IS NEVER BORING!!!
*sigh* if there was a day called wasteday this would probably my day… why? because i don’t believe i produced anything productive for this day… i woke up late, got ready in a hurry and then got to school the first among the group… woah! major BADTRIP!!! and then the training day seems to be a waste too because i seem to have caught a bad case of writer’s block and i couldn’t as in couldn’t write properly.. no thoughts, no words would flow out just like how it used to be! and then i didn’t finish my homework simply because i just can’t or won’t… see? and then couldn’t get a conversation straight and THE MOOD SWINGS ARE GETTING WORST! *sigh* just such a DAMN! day!!!!!
Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it’d be
If he had loved me
Truly loved me yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
Never happens for me
And so I go around
And just pretend
Loving life for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won’t see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it’s killing me
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Sing it la la la la
Sometimes I sit at home
By the phone hoping he might call me
But he don’t call me
But then I realize
Dreams come true aren’t for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain’t no thing
And when the boys around with all my friends
I’m into other things
Because you never let them see you sweat
Don’t want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it’s killing me
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
It’s not an easy (thing)
Sometimes it’s hard to (face the truth)
It’s not the life that I would choose (that I would choose)
But what else can I do?
If he don’t love me
If he don’t want me
I’m not about to sit around
Let myself go
So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I’m laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I’m dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face
On my face
Sing it la la la la
emptiness-] mine are the eyes that deceive!
mine is the shell that protects, that numbs, that heals…
This is insane! Who would have thought that I would things could get this far soooo quickly… hahahaha… Yeah, I know that this is just from a story which ended in a tragic manner but hey, a girl could dream! So, what is this all about? Here goes…
Today, I read a story printed from the internet about a loveless boy and girl who met up one day and decided to play a game. In the girls own words, she said, “You be my boyfriend for 100 days and I’ll be your girlfriend for 100 days.” Although the story didn’t have a happy ending, I was still inspired by the fact that the boy was grateful for the 100 days he had with her. Indeed, they did fall in love within that 100 days. According to the guy, he was thankful for all that they had shared and could no longer ask for more if only she remain his girlfriend forever!
How did this story inspire me? It inspired me to try my luck. I’ve been left loveless for all my high school life and as I am about to enter the college world, I feel that I owe it to myself to let me try to find out what it’s like to have a boyfriend, even if it’s a game and even if it’s only for 100 days(?) hehehe… so.. I’ve talked up with some friends and we plan to give ourselves a little chance to this for the remaining months of this school year…
So any problems ahead? You bet there are! And a lot too… It didn’t dawn to me at first however, the more I thought of it, the more that I realized how… tedious it would be… First and foremost, I have no VALID explanation to my parents on how he courted me, when we became a couple because in truth, it just sprung out of nowhere… a game… a dare, so to speak. Secondly, how will I hide the farce relationship from the peering and criticizing eyes of the conservative society and my folks and the oldies? How will I hide and still enjoy the relationship itself just like I’ve aimed it to be a learning experience for me? See.. this game isn’t as simple as I thought.. WORST! What IF I fall… oh well.. I guess I’ll cross the road when I get there… wish me luck… ciao!
GoD! It’s a new year… a new life and a new beginning! hoorraayyy!!! do i sound to jovial? don’t get me wrong… i love beginnings and new chances but hey… it’s the start of classes for 2006 and i find myself up at this ungodly hour of 2 cramming (AGAIN!!!) to finish my filipino report (again?!).. When will i ever learn to do things ahead of time… woah! time out! i just remembered that i was in school during the entire winter holidays. what was i doing.. TRAINING!!! *sigh* i’m a very busy girl. so i find myself still up and awake doing this report and practically hoping that my efforts will reap good response from my classmates tomorrow.. (guys… don’t you dare sleep or chat while i’m reporting tomorrow!!!) heheheheh… oh well.. loads to do and not much time to spare.. ciao!
god, padalhan nio po ako ng angels nio pls… parang awa nio na po.. ipaakap nio po ako sa mga angels nio… kung hindi po’y pansamantalang ngitian man lang po.. pakihaplos po ng aking puso nang matuto po akong maging matatag pero hindi manhid… na matuto po akong tumanggap ngunit hindi mag-isip ng masama… turuan nio po akong magpatawad at magparaya… turuan nio po sana akong magmahal muli.sa panahon pong ito na wala akong matakbuhan, walang nakakaintindi sa akin, waAg nio po sana akong pababayaan. kahit bad po ako, mamahalin nio rin naman po ako diba? kahit bad po ako, kahit papaano tutulungan nio pa rin po ako diba? sana po oo ang sagot nio… kung hindi, sana po hayaan nio po akong kayanin ang lahat ng ito para hindi ako higit na magkasala sa inyong mga batas. maaawa na po kayo. kahit isang akap lang po…
Huwag mo akong lapitan baka akoý iyong saktan. Huwag mo na akong guluhin, magulung-magulo na ako. Huwag kang magkakamaling “mahalin”din ako dahil baka hindi ko na kayanin pa.
Hindi ko na hihilinging diyan ka lagi ‘pag kailangan kita. Nagmamakaawa ako, umalis ka na lang sa buhay ko. Kung pwede lang lumuhod ako sa harapan mo, luluhod ako. Sasabihin kong lumayo ka na lang dahil hindi ka katulad ko. Hindi mo ako maiintindihan. Hindi mo ako mapakikinggan. Magpasalamat ka na lang sa Diyos at wala ka sa kalagayan ko.
I’m cold, I’m tired, and I’m dead exhausted. Please stop killing me softly. You and the rest of the world. Can’t you stop being cruel and give me one big shot! I’m sick and tired of crying yet that is all I can do. WHY? You all made it so clear: I WILL NEVER WIN! No matter how hard I try to stay alive, to stay happy, to stay me! You will never hear me out, never understand, never learn who I am… You think you’re so right.. No! You do not see who you’ve made be become. You do not see the scars you’ve left me for life. YOU DON’T HEAR THAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!
So to you who patiently tries to love, listen and understand me, please… don’t wait for my tears to dry or my heart to heal… The marks and scars will always remain. They will always hunt me back. Nothing is genuine. My end is near… unless by a long shot that someone makes my life simple and wash away my tears.
But no… I have stopped dreaming… stopped caring… stopped hoping. In the end, I know, that someone will never be there. In the end, I’ll always loose, always fail, always amount to nothing but the filth that I am. So please, don’t make this any harder and leave. Soon, I am gone… soon you will rejoice… soon my love, SOON!
