~OnCe UpOn @ T!mE!~ [mah fairy tale s2ry]

whew! What a day! I can say that I’m really really HAPPY today! Thank God for happy moments! Finally, hindi na ako bangag from my birthday party last Thursday. Napakamemorable ng araw na un sa akin kasi hindi ko akalain na ganoon karami ung pupunta. Hindi ko rin akalain na ganoon kasaya… Special thanks kei RC na kasama kong maghatid sundo sa mga bisita…thank you sa lahat nang bumati, dumating, at nagpaspecial sa bday koh…

Asteeg nung nag open forum/bull session ksama ng mga nag-overnyt…wow! Kahit wala taung mga 2log…worth it…kahit bangag ako kahapon na mismong araw ng bday koh, ok lang…

I’m thankful for everything God has given me…for having a lot of wishes granted…for having a chance to clear a lot of things…for loving…and for a happy sweet sixteen! P.S. Late gifts are still accepted…hehehehe…LOL!

baw! kung kis-a, may ara gid sang tawo na bisan ano na kahambal mo sa imo paghigugma, daw pawala lang bala.

Malain pa hay pawala na gani daw gina uslit ka bala hasta maugut-ugot timo… Ugot hay tani kung indi niya ka paghatagan atensyon, tani bisan makahimo na lang siya da sang bisan ano…indi nia lang mapabatyag sa imo na bisan gaano mo pa siya kapalangga, indi nia gihapon mahatag sa imo ang paghigugma na ginapangita mo sa iya.

tapos ang bayi pa gid…tani nagsulod man sa mga utok nanda na kung nagalain gani ang buot nila sa mga nagakaratabo, ano pa bi ang akon nabatyagan? Atleast sa ila, bal-an sang bayi na palangga siya sang laki na mahulat gid si laki para sa iya. Pro ako? Mahulat man ko kag mahulat… wala ko kabalo kung diin ko pakadto… ginapangamuyo ko lang na tani, may maayo na matabo sa tanan na nahimo ko…tani, indi mag-abot ang adlaw na makapoy na ko sa kahulat, sa kaintindi kag kapalangga… hay subong, ginapalangga kita sa kung ano ang akong maihatag samtang ari pa ta di…asta sa diin ako makasarang… kung nabudlayan ka…kung nagasakit man ang buot mo… tani indi na lang… hay doble pa ang nabatyag ko kung mabal-an ko na parte ako sang may sala sa mga nabatyag mo…

bal-an ko na mas gwapa siya sa akon… na sa imo pagtan-aw nasa iya ang tanan na ginapangita mo… o kung indi man, pawala na sa imo kung diin siya nagakasala o nagakulang… pro tani mag-abot ang adlaw na makit-ano mo man kung ano ang mga ginahatag ko sa imo…kung ano ginkuha ko sa mga miga ko, mahambal lang sa imo kung ano nabatyag ko… malain na kung malain na sa akon maghalin… wala na ako iban pa na sala kundi ang ihatag sa imo ang puso ko….

(*natestingan ang bisaya kong hilaw… whew!*)

oh well, today was a fun day… perhaps not really that fun because there’s the “ILANG” factor but well, LIFE GOES ON! harsh but you don’t really get much choice but to pick up the pieces you’ve left… I’m no longer expecting anything from you… I’m just thankful for what we’ve had and shared and now, kung ano na lang tyo.. pwede na un… punta ka pa rin sa houz pang bday ko ha…

I told myself to dwell on something positive for today and I really did my best to start my morning with a smile. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances over which I have no control of my inner workings (hehehehe…), things were not cut up to be my happy day.

Ok…balik tanaw muna.. Oo, umaasa akong walang magbabago kasi nangako ka…pero napag-isip-isip ko, “Pwede ba un?” Sasabihin kong mahal na kita tapos walang magbabago? Siguro sa labas, batian pa rin ganoon ung pakikisama pero hindi ba, deep inside, iba ung iisipin natin sa isa’t isa? Tipong kaya pala ayaw nia at ng mga friends nia sa nililigawan ko dahil may gusto pala siya. If ever that thought never crossed your mind, please don’t dwell on it now, because, I assure you that wasn’t the reason. Pinaliwanag naman namin sau diba? Pakiramdam ko rin, kung hindi ikaw yung iiwas, malamang ako. Wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sau.. Mahihirapan na akong tingnan ka nang diretso dahil kadalasan maaalala ko ang araw na sinabi kong mahal kita at akala mo sinasabi kong mahal ka na “niya”. Okay lang talaga… Tanga lang ako pagdating sa pag-ibig pero hindi ako nag-iilusyon noon pa man na masusuklian mo ang nararamdaman ko. Sapat na sa akin ung mabait ka dahil magkaibigan tayo at nandiyan ka sa pagkakataong pakiramdam ko I’m nothing but a failure. Uulitin ko lang po, without the “law of falling bodies” metaphor: Nahulog ako sa iyo at mahal na kita. Hindi ko plinano, hindi ko ginusto, hindi ko alam kung kailan, kung saan o kung papaano, basta alam ko, un na un.

Ok na! Awat na… Pag-usapan nio namang lahat kung kailan nio ibagbagsak ang langit at lupa sa akin. Kung kailan nio ipapapasan sa akin ang buong daigdig. Kasi kung balak nio akong patayin sa dami ng binibigay niong trabaho sa akin, pwede bang isang bagsakan na lang? Huwag nio naman akong inuunti-unti kasi mas masakit, mas nahihirapan ang loob ko, mas gumugulo ang buhay ko. Kung ito ang paraan niyo para ipaalam sa akin na kulang pa ako, and that I’ll never be enough for you to love and accept, I get your message loud and clear. Tatandaan nio lang na sa oras na kailangan nio ako, nand2 pa rin ako, mahal na mahal kau… Kaya nga halos hindi na ako kumain at matulog eh… para naman mabigay ko sa inyong lahat kung anong ineexpect nio sa akin – dahil mahal ko kau. Ayaw kong nadidisappoint ko kau.

Pero please naman, hayaan nio akong magtira ng kahit konti sa sarili ko. Tulungan nio naman akong mahalin ko ang sarili ko. Huwag nio masyadong ipamukha na kulang pa ang buong ako dahil hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko.

Wala naman ako sigurong malaking kasalanan kung hindi ang mahalin “ikaw”, “ikaw” at kau nang sobra-sobra. Ang hangarin na maappreciate nio ang mga naibibigay ko o nagagawa para sa inyo, kahit di nio na masuklian, ok lang.

To someone very close and very special, I hope we can patch things up. I miss you. I really do. I’ve felt so lost without you. I want you back. Malaking parte ka ng puso’t buhay ko, hindi ka na mawawala o mapapalitan diyan.

God, please teach me what I have to learn but please spare me from this pain. Please send me my angel to change my fate. I don’t want to fight the hell within me anymore. I will never win. Ako lang ang masasaktan.

P.S.

Gitte, I appreciate everything you’ve told me. I love you… thanks for making me feel strong during my vulnerable moments.

Kuya Bry, don’t worry about me. Ok lang talaga ako, walang nagbago sa buhay ko. Aanga-anga pa rin ang puso ko at hindi pa ako nasanay masaktan. Thanks for everything.

oh well… i’m supposed to be writing a “problem tree” on the effects of premarital sex for values ed and then i’d study for a social studies test, however, I DAMN CANNOT STAY IN FOCUS!

ok… so far, my life has not been its best… It was only a few days ago that I though i was having a so-called heartache – seeing “them” as the already tagged couple and me as the “BUGGING THIRD WHEEL”

I’ve talked or rather texted things out with a friend and I found myself very vulnerable when it comes to matters of emotions… The question then was should I or should I not tell him I’ve fallen. I felt certain hesitancy in my telling him, afterall, we’re friends…(close)… and he’s always been so patient, so thoughtful, so helping, so EVERYTHING!!! and we’re just friends… and all I wanted to say was that.."beyond the smiles is a heart that’s constantly beating for him"

BEYOND THE SMILES IS A HEART THAT’S NOW ……

i risked it all… i told him in the most unconventional way yesterday…using falling bodies and stuff… and it’s over with… and now… *umaasa ako…walang magbabago*

Well, I don’t update my blogs often. I want to. However, I don’t have the luxury of time like most people I know. Ok… so I’ve been thinking lately of what’s going on in my life. So far, the mastery and quarterly tests for this first grading is over! Thank God! Honestly, I’m disappointed in myself… I feel that I’m doing everything I can and it’s still not enough… I’m always not enough! And I look at all these people around me who are somehow “spoiled” or happy-go-lucky and yet I find them happy with not being the best they can be… I have to admit that my constant pursuit of perfection made me like this – not contented unless its ME the best of who I am…

Ok..perhaps part of my emotional tralalas here is because i had a recent “misunderstanding” with my close friend… she says she can’t reach me anymore… In many ways, I admit that I’ve changed myself, I’ve hardened my being, and I’ve learned to fight fire with fire…but it just hurts me so much to hear that she can’t reach me because I try so hard to lower myself to a lot of people just so that they CAN reach me…and now, from someone so close, i realize that they felt i’m so far… it’s damn frustrating. Now, we’re no longer speaking and i honestly feel that although i believe i’ve just been true to myself and honest to her, i feel so alone and lost without her. She’s been a big part of my life…

Perhaps, I am an achiever… i get good grades, top a lot of things and head a lot of events..but to whom will i share all these victories when i stand up high and find myself ALONE?