~OnCe UpOn @ T!mE!~ [mah fairy tale s2ry]

ok.. today would not be the best day of my life. why is that? even as the morning greeted me, i knew that this day was not cut up for me.. i’ve lots to tell considering the fact that i haven’t properly updated my blog for the past few days. it’s just that i’ve been so busy with the editting of our school paper, IPSALink. I’ve practically lived in the school these whole week! i go there for classes from 7-5 and then work myself for the papero until 9 or 10 PM. by the time and get home, i barely have the energy to keep myself awake for my homework and studying…and then, this morning, when my parents caught a glimpse of the paper, they were all criticizing on how this article was poorly written, how incompetent i am as the editor in chief and so on… in fact they were saying very harsh words on being embarassed to say that their daughter is the editor in chief of such lousy work… OUCH! that hurts! how come what i’ve done is not enough? i’ve spent every joule of my energy on that paper and all i can hear is negative comments… DAMN! then after a talk with kuya bry and maám rhen, i felt a little better…jez, i remember, i was practically sobbing so loud! haay… it just dawned to me=== why am i letting these comments affect me so much… granted that they’re my parents and that i should give them some thought but i realized that eversince, what i’m doing is never enough to please them… so why try and try and kill myself trying?! i’ve given up a lot for these ambition of theirs for me… i’m doing everything i can… but i can’t live like this… soon, i’ll explode..my pent up emotions will be known and God knows what i will happen next! all i can do is pray that God will give me strength to handle the pressures in my life, because ice creams and chocolates can do very little help… yes, perhaps my parents and my whole life run by them are my biggest struggles but i know… i can do this.. i have to…for myself…

"Jealous"

La la la la la la la
She’s a very very lucky girl

oh well…every girl’s bound to feel jealous at least once in her life… it’s okay it’s all right.. i’m still jel… fight! fight! fight! only that fight meant shuttin’ my heart up..hehehe… not an easy task but workable in my case if it’s for the one i love… whew! talk about mushy… anyway, she’s a VERY VERY LUCKy GIRL!!!

Waaaahhh!!! It’s late and i’m still up! This time, I’M COMPLAINING. My head hurts and my health is poor and i’m always grouch and cranky. In short, I’M TOO STRESSED OUT!!! Damn! Ummm… due to people i’m currently chatting with… i’ve calmed down but the fact remains… I’m doing too many responsibilities and i feel that i’m not meeting a lot of expectations including that which i set for myself. that’s what frustrate me most… hope i get my ipsalink editing, my ap reaction paper, my arts report

Ray Of Light

Success implies failure. These two belong to other similar pairs - light and darkness, joy and sorrow,  pleasure and pain, etc. Success itself is only a  partial positive term whose corresponding negative  term is failure. We know that life alternates between  success and failure. In our experience, it may not  even be divided fifty-fifty. Failure is common, success is rare. The individual is finite, while life  is the collective infinite. The individual is a small part of life, and therefore his efforts in a society that is much larger than he is cannot result in a greater part of success. The individual can only aspire for harmony with the society and that is his success. Stronger individuals may have more than 50% success, while weaker ones usually achieve minimal success.

If this is true, how is ‘unfailing success’ possible? It seems to be a dream or an illusion.

But there is another fact of life. In fields where man  meets with a mixture of failure and success in one century, he sometimes achieves unfailing success in  the century that follows. Every adult achieves unfailing success in acts that were once a cause of failure when they were young,  unskilled and inexperienced. A child who masters the skill of walking achieves unfailing success as far as walking is concerned. The same is true of speaking, writing, eating and many other activities that we master in the process of growth and eventually become  subconscious endowments, once we have fully learned them.
Yesterday’s success and failure are today’s unfailing success.

If what we failed at in the past we succeed at today, then activities in which we confront a mixture of failure and success today can become sources of unfailing success tomorrow.  External mastery is  an expression of an inner human potential for unfailing success. Go inside, discover the potential, rather than waiting years for it to emerge. When the subconscious knowledge is made conscious, or the inner potential is brought out as an outer actuality, the element of failure recedes and finally  disappears. Any work in which you presently achieve 75% success  can be taken up for an experiment.

* i’ve got a lot of things to accomplish that i feel SOOOO PRESSSUUURRREDD!!!! as of this moment and i think whether i’m still gonna make it through editting these stuff… this is a time that i think ice cream or chocolates is not enough… *

whew! it’s 3:53 am, sept. 3, 2005 and I’m still awake!!! don’t get me wrong. i’m not complaining. actually, i’m quite HAPPY! that’ i don’t think i can sleep well anyway! whoo! i mean in the first place, this happened a week ago but it’s all coming back! t2 ___, u really made my day! the tym u asked me if he could be the one, i wanted to shout my heart out…but of course, that wasn’t possible then… if only he would choose to be… i know i’m jumping to conclusion here.. but even my mom concludes so! god! during your talks you seem to be hinting something and it’s a huge honor and privilege on my part if you think so… i hope magic does happen… i hope happy endings are real… i pray… he will come… SOON!

whew! What a day! I can say that I’m really really HAPPY today! Thank God for happy moments! Finally, hindi na ako bangag from my birthday party last Thursday. Napakamemorable ng araw na un sa akin kasi hindi ko akalain na ganoon karami ung pupunta. Hindi ko rin akalain na ganoon kasaya… Special thanks kei RC na kasama kong maghatid sundo sa mga bisita…thank you sa lahat nang bumati, dumating, at nagpaspecial sa bday koh…

Asteeg nung nag open forum/bull session ksama ng mga nag-overnyt…wow! Kahit wala taung mga 2log…worth it…kahit bangag ako kahapon na mismong araw ng bday koh, ok lang…

I’m thankful for everything God has given me…for having a lot of wishes granted…for having a chance to clear a lot of things…for loving…and for a happy sweet sixteen! P.S. Late gifts are still accepted…hehehehe…LOL!

baw! kung kis-a, may ara gid sang tawo na bisan ano na kahambal mo sa imo paghigugma, daw pawala lang bala.

Malain pa hay pawala na gani daw gina uslit ka bala hasta maugut-ugot timo… Ugot hay tani kung indi niya ka paghatagan atensyon, tani bisan makahimo na lang siya da sang bisan ano…indi nia lang mapabatyag sa imo na bisan gaano mo pa siya kapalangga, indi nia gihapon mahatag sa imo ang paghigugma na ginapangita mo sa iya.

tapos ang bayi pa gid…tani nagsulod man sa mga utok nanda na kung nagalain gani ang buot nila sa mga nagakaratabo, ano pa bi ang akon nabatyagan? Atleast sa ila, bal-an sang bayi na palangga siya sang laki na mahulat gid si laki para sa iya. Pro ako? Mahulat man ko kag mahulat… wala ko kabalo kung diin ko pakadto… ginapangamuyo ko lang na tani, may maayo na matabo sa tanan na nahimo ko…tani, indi mag-abot ang adlaw na makapoy na ko sa kahulat, sa kaintindi kag kapalangga… hay subong, ginapalangga kita sa kung ano ang akong maihatag samtang ari pa ta di…asta sa diin ako makasarang… kung nabudlayan ka…kung nagasakit man ang buot mo… tani indi na lang… hay doble pa ang nabatyag ko kung mabal-an ko na parte ako sang may sala sa mga nabatyag mo…

bal-an ko na mas gwapa siya sa akon… na sa imo pagtan-aw nasa iya ang tanan na ginapangita mo… o kung indi man, pawala na sa imo kung diin siya nagakasala o nagakulang… pro tani mag-abot ang adlaw na makit-ano mo man kung ano ang mga ginahatag ko sa imo…kung ano ginkuha ko sa mga miga ko, mahambal lang sa imo kung ano nabatyag ko… malain na kung malain na sa akon maghalin… wala na ako iban pa na sala kundi ang ihatag sa imo ang puso ko….

(*natestingan ang bisaya kong hilaw… whew!*)

oh well, today was a fun day… perhaps not really that fun because there’s the “ILANG” factor but well, LIFE GOES ON! harsh but you don’t really get much choice but to pick up the pieces you’ve left… I’m no longer expecting anything from you… I’m just thankful for what we’ve had and shared and now, kung ano na lang tyo.. pwede na un… punta ka pa rin sa houz pang bday ko ha…

I told myself to dwell on something positive for today and I really did my best to start my morning with a smile. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances over which I have no control of my inner workings (hehehehe…), things were not cut up to be my happy day.

Ok…balik tanaw muna.. Oo, umaasa akong walang magbabago kasi nangako ka…pero napag-isip-isip ko, “Pwede ba un?” Sasabihin kong mahal na kita tapos walang magbabago? Siguro sa labas, batian pa rin ganoon ung pakikisama pero hindi ba, deep inside, iba ung iisipin natin sa isa’t isa? Tipong kaya pala ayaw nia at ng mga friends nia sa nililigawan ko dahil may gusto pala siya. If ever that thought never crossed your mind, please don’t dwell on it now, because, I assure you that wasn’t the reason. Pinaliwanag naman namin sau diba? Pakiramdam ko rin, kung hindi ikaw yung iiwas, malamang ako. Wala na akong mukhang ihaharap sau.. Mahihirapan na akong tingnan ka nang diretso dahil kadalasan maaalala ko ang araw na sinabi kong mahal kita at akala mo sinasabi kong mahal ka na “niya”. Okay lang talaga… Tanga lang ako pagdating sa pag-ibig pero hindi ako nag-iilusyon noon pa man na masusuklian mo ang nararamdaman ko. Sapat na sa akin ung mabait ka dahil magkaibigan tayo at nandiyan ka sa pagkakataong pakiramdam ko I’m nothing but a failure. Uulitin ko lang po, without the “law of falling bodies” metaphor: Nahulog ako sa iyo at mahal na kita. Hindi ko plinano, hindi ko ginusto, hindi ko alam kung kailan, kung saan o kung papaano, basta alam ko, un na un.

Ok na! Awat na… Pag-usapan nio namang lahat kung kailan nio ibagbagsak ang langit at lupa sa akin. Kung kailan nio ipapapasan sa akin ang buong daigdig. Kasi kung balak nio akong patayin sa dami ng binibigay niong trabaho sa akin, pwede bang isang bagsakan na lang? Huwag nio naman akong inuunti-unti kasi mas masakit, mas nahihirapan ang loob ko, mas gumugulo ang buhay ko. Kung ito ang paraan niyo para ipaalam sa akin na kulang pa ako, and that I’ll never be enough for you to love and accept, I get your message loud and clear. Tatandaan nio lang na sa oras na kailangan nio ako, nand2 pa rin ako, mahal na mahal kau… Kaya nga halos hindi na ako kumain at matulog eh… para naman mabigay ko sa inyong lahat kung anong ineexpect nio sa akin – dahil mahal ko kau. Ayaw kong nadidisappoint ko kau.

Pero please naman, hayaan nio akong magtira ng kahit konti sa sarili ko. Tulungan nio naman akong mahalin ko ang sarili ko. Huwag nio masyadong ipamukha na kulang pa ang buong ako dahil hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko.

Wala naman ako sigurong malaking kasalanan kung hindi ang mahalin “ikaw”, “ikaw” at kau nang sobra-sobra. Ang hangarin na maappreciate nio ang mga naibibigay ko o nagagawa para sa inyo, kahit di nio na masuklian, ok lang.

To someone very close and very special, I hope we can patch things up. I miss you. I really do. I’ve felt so lost without you. I want you back. Malaking parte ka ng puso’t buhay ko, hindi ka na mawawala o mapapalitan diyan.

God, please teach me what I have to learn but please spare me from this pain. Please send me my angel to change my fate. I don’t want to fight the hell within me anymore. I will never win. Ako lang ang masasaktan.

P.S.

Gitte, I appreciate everything you’ve told me. I love you… thanks for making me feel strong during my vulnerable moments.

Kuya Bry, don’t worry about me. Ok lang talaga ako, walang nagbago sa buhay ko. Aanga-anga pa rin ang puso ko at hindi pa ako nasanay masaktan. Thanks for everything.

oh well… i’m supposed to be writing a “problem tree” on the effects of premarital sex for values ed and then i’d study for a social studies test, however, I DAMN CANNOT STAY IN FOCUS!

ok… so far, my life has not been its best… It was only a few days ago that I though i was having a so-called heartache – seeing “them” as the already tagged couple and me as the “BUGGING THIRD WHEEL”

I’ve talked or rather texted things out with a friend and I found myself very vulnerable when it comes to matters of emotions… The question then was should I or should I not tell him I’ve fallen. I felt certain hesitancy in my telling him, afterall, we’re friends…(close)… and he’s always been so patient, so thoughtful, so helping, so EVERYTHING!!! and we’re just friends… and all I wanted to say was that.."beyond the smiles is a heart that’s constantly beating for him"

BEYOND THE SMILES IS A HEART THAT’S NOW ……

i risked it all… i told him in the most unconventional way yesterday…using falling bodies and stuff… and it’s over with… and now… *umaasa ako…walang magbabago*